Katheryn Kiker

Life happens, therefore pain happens.

We don’t have control over so many things that happen to us, yet the events of our lives shape who we are. Even when we make choices for ourselves as adults, the consequences of them are rife with uncertainty. We can’t foresee every outcome, and in a way this is what makes us human.

When a painful event happens, it is normal to have an urge to ignore its impact. Sometimes we think this is just “letting go” or “getting over it.” We can go years without exploring the emotions associated and think that whatever happened didn’t really affect us all that much. But our behavior tells a different story, and we end up making knee-jerk reactions and doing things we don’t really understand out of this place of suffering. Subconsciously, trying to get away from whatever it is that is painful to us or whatever reminds us of it. Sometimes our relationships pay the price. A side effect of not understanding our own pain is that we can hurt others without meaning to.

Trying to “get over it” as a way of letting go is premature. It takes out all of the process. There is no real letting go without admitting that what happened mattered. That a part of you is changed. That you were affected, moved, and the reason you do things actually does make sense. I understand it is so very difficult to let what happened become a part of who you are, and to remember it in your daily interactions. It is especially difficult with pain from childhood.

But when we decide to process what’s happened, we come to accept and honor our story. It is like in the famous scene in the lion king where Mufasa in the clouds says to Simba: Remember who you are. When we remember our story, we become more aware when situations arise that are painful to us because they remind us of something we have gone through. When something comes up, we can give ourselves understanding because we know that we have gone through a lot. Things may come up continually that remind us of our hurt, and we can be kind, accepting, and say to ourselves “it makes sense that I am feeling this way.”

A very natural question follows this: but what if the pain never goes away? What if I have to process and accept that it is my story every time it comes up?

I want to be very real but also very careful here. Turning toward our pain is not a one-stop-shop, do it once and done. It does not fix it or make it go away forever. It is a way of life, a choice we make so that we can embrace things and be more real and engaged in our present lives instead of being ruled by our past. We may have to accept and let go of our pain over and over again for the rest of our lives. But when we do it we get better at remembering to put ourselves and our lives into perspective, so that when it does come up it doesn’t have the same stickiness or grasp on us, and find peace with it.

Here is one of my favorite quotes that encapsulates this concept:

Ring the bells that can still ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything; that’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen

I hope you do decide you deserve your own kind attention, to make sense of your life and to understand yourself and your story. You absolutely deserve it.

-Katheryn Kiker, LPC-A | October 13, 2023