Katheryn Kiker

I have come to not enjoy the word “Boundaries.” If it were up to me, they would be called the “internal filtering mechanism of intangible things.”

Internal– in our minds, of the “self”

Filtering mechanism- tell good from bad, able to make judgments, use discernment

Of intangible things- nonmaterial things such as ideas, relationships, opinions, thoughts or beliefs.

I think the word boundary alludes to a blockade or a fence. So even in mental health where we are discussing intangible things it can be easy to assume it’s saying to physically block things or people out of your life. But when I describe it like this filtering mechanism, I realize it’s my internal decisions that make impact on my life and by extension the world around me.

The tough part is every single person gets to decide what intangible things they will accept into their mind for themselves. It is an inescapable right of human-hood. Sometimes we feel like we don’t have the permission to decide. And sometimes we just don’t know how to listen to ourselves. Deciding what we feel, think, and experience as what we are indeed feeling, thinking, and experiencing can be scary. But who else can possibly decide these things if not you?

What ends up happening when we don’t know how to listen to ourselves is we either adapt by making no judgment at all, becoming over-accommodating and overly nice OR adapt by making judgement about everything and being overly critical. These look like very different people in personality and behavior but there is one thing true at its core: they don’t trust themselves to be the one making the decisions. Their filtering system isn’t at work, they’ve decided to put a tarp over the machine and either leave the factory open or they’ve built a wall outside and everything stays out.

A healthy internal filtering mechanism of intangible things is able to receive the good we find in life, and accept it into our minds. It’s also able to leave the bad in a way that is more like letting go than putting up a wall.

Can you imagine letting yourself truly accept ideas, relationships, opinions, beliefs that you decide are healthy and congruent to who you are? Can you imagine letting go of what’s not?