Katheryn Kiker

I’ve been having a bit of deja vu with several of my clients recently- they have independently made similar statements about their belief that we are put here to help other people.

I think this is one of those universal human desires- to be productive, to make a difference, to matter, to be a part of something larger than ourselves. This is one of the best aspects of humanity, and this internal struggle is expressed so beautifully in the lyrics of this Nina Simone song:

This internal struggle however, tends to make us miserable. When we think about everyone suffering, we somehow turn it into some kind of failure that we haven’t figured out how to alleviate it.

We don’t have as much control as our minds sometimes convince ourselves we do. Of course we can contribute, volunteer, work collectively, build community, try to understand the needs of others. This isn’t so much about that. It’s the endless cycle of telling ourselves we’re not doing enough.

Well, gosh, if you try to accept every problem, you’re just going to go insane. So you have to choose some field in which you operate at your best capacity, and which will then serve as an influence to deter all these other things that you’re worrying about. 

-Bill Evans

In our attempts to be helpful, we tell ourselves we’re lazy if we get tired, or that we didn’t do enough if it doesn’t pan out the way we wanted. We forget a fundamental truth- we can’t control the outcome. All we can do is give our effort.

That we don’t control what happens can make us full of shame, which tears us down and takes away our ability to focus and be effective. Unfortunately, the only antidote to the overwhelming fear of not helping others is to first believe in yourself. Which takes immense acceptance of yourself, your difficulties, your life, your environment, your place in the universe, and your own suffering that you may have been ignoring.

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.
Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

-Lord of the Rings

So because of your big hearts, I spend a lot of time helping people be more self-compassionate. To tolerate living in the frustrating reality that suffering exists and that we are each one person, and can’t always take it away. But I promise you, being present in your life can help you get more direction and feel more in line with how you specifically can help.

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself of your intention, your deep caring.

And as always, be gentle with yourself.